You are viewing [info]crimson_orchid's journal

I've had it!   
02:27am 29/06/2006
 
mood: restless
People are unreasonably cruel... That's all there is to it. Not ALL people... But too many for my liking. Social issues are driving me mad and making me more depressed than I need to be. I have lost almost all of my local friends and I'm not as lucky in job hunting as I had hoped I would be. As far as the social issues go, I'm simply just going to sever the parts of my life in that area that are causing me grief. I probably won't talk to many of you, and you know why. So, I don't have to explain. You're turning me into something I don't want to be and I won't let that happen. I'm going to use this free time as a means of improving myself how I see fit. If I consider you a real friend, you will hear from me and I will talk to you. But I give up on all of those who won't even bother to return my emails. Or those who return them only to cut me down and make me feel less of myself. I have plenty of time, but none of which you deserve. Go wear someone else down. As far as the job hunting goes... I simply won't give up. Persistence must count for something, right? I'm crossing my fingers for a job at a clinic nearby that seems pretty promising. But I don't want to get my hopes up too much. Every time I do, people prove to me just how horrible the world can be. *Some of you may know about my Agaci experience* I can't figure out how people like that can find work and it's been so hard for me. But maybe if I became like that myself, I'd get ahead in this world. Anyhow, I plan to busy myself and hopefully emerge from my hermit shell with something to show for it. For those of you that are my real friends, I love you guys very much and thank you for sticking around.		  
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This is really silly...   
07:12pm 25/06/2006
 
mood: aggravated
Well, it seems that I'm not the only one with nothing to do on a weekend. Those of you who are aware of the latest Ex situation with my sister, might also know about his new lady friend as well. And if not, well... Boy oh boy. They broke up with the understanding that they would remain friends. What a laugh. If the meaning of the word friend means a cold distant ogre to email and receive no reply or one that consists of few words and NO emotion, just to pacify and seem friendly, then sure. I'd definitely say they were friends. The sad thing is... I used to like this guy! He used to be a nice guy. Apparently the "black metal" persona has eaten away at whatever one could conceive as a human and left a shell. But anyhow, seems he found love again. If love comes in the form of an STD ridden slut of a girl who has nothing better to do besides execute feeble attempts at a cat-fight. You may wonder why I'm being so hostile. Well, this guy is in a few local bands... Most of which he has left high and dry, but that's another story. Anyhow, we were big fans of one in particular and I personally have liked them since their second show. So, naturally... We'll support the band. Especially since he and my sister were supposedly friends. *Please revert back to "friend" definition above.* Well, we knew about the new girl and it was no big deal. Whatever. When things are over, they're over and one moves on. Sis can move on, so why shouldn't he? Fair enough. Well, we see this girl at the show and not only is she a skanky, drunk of a female... But she is definitely less beautiful than my sister. And well, comments were made. You see a guy with a gorgeous girl one month and the next he's regressed to something so dirty? Yeah, people will talk. So, naturally our attention is drawn a bit more to her. Not to mention it's hard to ignore PDA that would make anyone dry heave with Thor-Thunder like forces. Well, upon observation, a few people see her with someone else as well. THIS gets a few people talking. Oh well, it's their life. But frustration does get the best of us and we vent to each other. Due to that experience, my sister posted a personal blog on her page expressing her feelings about the event and nothing more. She just said what was on her mind and left it at that. She didn't bother to attack her ex or his lady through emails or comments. She just wrote in her personal blog for the people SHE was friends with who were on HER list. Well, it seems today at some point, the little hippie twat read this and it must have caused some uproar in what cobwebbed mind was churning. She sought MY sister out and read her blog. Or if she didn't, then he did and showed her. Either way, they went to HER page just looking for something to start shit about. She hasn't emailed either of them with this intent, but apparently that counts for shit these days. Here is the email that was sent.
===========

WEll... how pathetic. I hope you get some kind of false power in lies. funny though!VERY FUNNY! We were amused by the attempt... but it takes more than that for me to show the wrath, so...if that was your goal... try harder and See you around! Until then I have grown up problems to deal with.OH and by the way... Justin and I are doing very well I might add. Good times. HOPE YOU SLEEP WELL! until we meet again.

===========

Now, Nixie... Well, basically just read this and laughed her ass off. But I didn't find it quite as light-hearted and funny. I'm sorry, but this seems like it's on a bit of a threatening note... Which doesn't set well with Orchid AT ALL. She didn't say anything to you, so keep your bitchy comments to yourself. I'm sorry, but venting on a journal is what people do and there's NOTHING pathetic about that. Especially since YOU are the one who sought HER out to read this. What the hell? Stalk someone else! And call it lies all you want, but she had her beliefs reinforced by other eyes who saw the deed. Call it what you want. It doesn't change a thing. And it takes more than that for you to show the wrath? Well, it seems to me that going OUT OF YOUR WAY to send an email in hopes of defending and threatening someone is a bit wrathful. But I'm not one to tag a deadly sin on someone. I may be wrong. But anyone with common sense can see the intentions here. And if there was any goal besides venting about her night, then you definitely would have known. There was no goal even involving you. Don't flatter yourself. Get a job. And grown-up problems? You assume she has none? For no real reason. She's not seeking out your profile and sending silly threatening emails... But, what you may find "grown up problems" may be far from what a 25 year old woman deals with. But I guess I forget that you have to stress out about ways to pay off your beer tab at the end of the night. My apologies. And to add to the hilarity of this... you take it down the route of a teenage girl. Glad to know that things are going the same way as they always do with his girlfriends. Enjoy it while you can, because you're just next in line. And finally, to address the "I hope you sleep well" bit... What are you implying? Could be a million things here... All of which render me speechless from riotous laughter. But at the same time, I don't like my sister being threatened. Sure she can laugh this off and not even give the satisfaction of a reply... But I do take solace in the fact that there isn't shit you can or will do. If this *for lack of a better term* dirty cunt has nothing better to do on a Sunday, she needs a job and/or a hobby. I'm done with my rant for now and hopefully she won't feel the need to harass her for feedback. If that happens, then this won't be the end of it, I can assure you. But I'll definitely have more to say than "HOPE YOU SLEEP WELL" Okay, you can all laugh now.		  
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GO SEE VALSGARDE!!!!!!!   
05:39pm 23/05/2006
  GO SEE VALSGARDE!!!!!!! I COMMAND IT! Seriously. If you haven't checked them out, please do. If you have and you liked what you heard, then why not see them again!?!?! They will be playing June 17 *also Nixie's bday* at The Phoenix in Arlington. They are selling tickets for $15. Also playing will be Vader, Destruction, Graveworm, The Absence and Blood Stained Carpet among other bands. This is supposed to be an all day event, so you might want to also catch some of the other bands there. I think it would be really worth it!!! If you're interested contact me or Valsgarde. The link to their Myspace page is http://www.myspace.com/valsgarde .... Please go!  
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WE HAVE A JEEP!!!   
06:22am 06/03/2006
 
mood: anxious
The weekend was VERY bittersweet. Broken hearts and new relationships were born and I guess you have to take the good with the bad. I guess I'll run through the bad junk first. Seeing my sister upset is NEVER fun, but she did okay considering I was a giant sack of tears when I was in her position about a year ago. (And people wonder why I prefer to be single) I honestly had expected a bit more, but regardless, I felt pretty bad about her being so upset. I've also been terribly worried about a friend of mine who's going through a lot of stress and life is really horrible for him. It has been for a long time, but it seems that everything is coming to a head for him and all I want to do is help. Like I said, I'm worried. But on the GOOD side, I got to see Lee and Emily! I love them very much and they were really great to us. They also helped us car hunt. And guess what??? We got a Jeep! So no more "Sorry, I don't have a car." junk. No more missing Valsgarde sets. I'm excited and this is something we've really needed. And on top of it all... ORCHID CAN GET A JOB! Also, we met some kickass girls. One of them being someone I've meant to talk to for awhile, but honestly never had the courage. Come to find out... She's... a total... SWEETHEART! Seriously. This girl is awesome and I'm really glad I met her and talked to her. SO much tension was released once the first initial conversation took place. It was like a huge weight lifted. So, the weekend wasn't all bad. I got to see my favorite men in the world, we got a car... I just hope the other stuff works out for the best. And in case you read this... Snuggles... I love you very much and I want you to be okay. Please take care of yourself and hang in there. Things will get better, I promise. I'll help you anyway I can. Just hang in there. And NiNi.... WE HAVE A JEEP!!!!!!!! I love you very much, too! And to the Valsgarde gang... I LOVE YOU, TOO! sorryimissedyourset...... -_-		  
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Update.   
06:33pm 21/02/2006
 
mood: cold
Oh yay. She finally updated. Well, don't get too excited. I'm hoping to keep this junk up more than usual. *Oh nooo!* I'm hoping to update some of my displayed photography and get more of my work out and about. Nixie and I have been working on edits and watermarking and we're hoping the end result will be good. Nixie had done most of the editing which is mostly adding borders and removing dust and specks left on by the scanner. But she has done a wonderful job and has made them look a lot nicer. As some of you may know, she also works with graphics and she has created some backgrounds using my photos that I love to pieces. We're also working on making arrangements for a shoot that I've recently began to visualize and I'm terribly excited to get the shots and display these visual that are in my head. Some of you already know what this is and I've probably talked your ear off about it. Aside from that, not much is happening. I feel like I've neglected some friends due to staying in a lot. But the truth is, without a car, I don't really want to go out. Nothing against anyone, but I really just don't like the idea of calling someone and saying "Hey wanna pick me up and..." Makes me feel like a real loser. And I promise that when a car comes into the picture and I don't have to depend on others to get me around, I'll be around more. There's some of you that I truly adore and love being around and I simply just want my own means of getting around so it's a little more fair when we hang out. But with this, I will close and hopefully update again, soon.		  
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New Year.   
04:31pm 02/01/2006
 
mood: thoughtful
The blog is back... Oh joy. :-| And should be kept up for awhile, since I'm not as sick as I had been. And of corpse there are still "Things of the Week" and such. And since today is Monday, today's "Thing" is Useless Fact of the Week. Since a few people have asked for a random fact, I'll give one about me. My favorite candy is Gummy Bears... There... Now you all know something new. In other news, our computer is ready to die. We've been using Jon's computer to keep up emails and such. We're hoping to get a new one soon and by then Beauty Rotting should be back in business. (Which I'll be very thankful for.) I have lost some of my artistic inspiration lately though. It seems I have lost touch with my muse and the others that fuel my creativity. Not that he has been far from my mind, but simply out of touch somehow. A lot has been. But since this is a new year, I'm hoping to start fresh and that whatever negative energy that has been lingering will diminish. This is the year that I take care of myself and avoid what happened Sept. 23rd. This is the year that I catch a bit of luck and get hired somewhere. This is the year that we break away from depending on other people. I'm almost excited because although I've lied to myself before about how I think things will go, I really feel that things will change for us. And in turn we'll be able to give others a helping hand. No resolutions. Just change.		  
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Book of the week!   
04:38pm 06/12/2005
 
mood: aggravated
It's that time again. To reveal another "Thing of the Week"! And today is "Book of the Week"! The book I chose was "The Hellbound Heart" By Clive Barker.
Inspiration? I simply like it. If you like the Hellraiser movies and like to read... Hopefully you'll like this.

In other news, I received an email yesterday that upset me at first and now just pisses me off. I suppose all tragedy has an anger side. In this case, I believe I have a right to be upset and angry. The following email is what I received.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"hey u wanted to know what happnd to matt and chris
u fucked with peopl over and over to dind out what happned and its not even your buisness what happend u were never there for matt or chirs and u try to pretend like u care and shit. well we know better u never cared for those "friends" of yours bc u just wanted there cocks. all u ever had was guys for friends and everyone knows why
i wuold tell u were there buried but u know ur necro and would fuck their bodys and shit.
but u wanted to now what happend so here it is

chris died in like aug and offed himself with a fuckin razor in his bedroom bc nobody fucking cared about him. thats what he thought and u claim to be a friend of his. i talked to his cousin jeff who found him and he said he found him with his arms slicd open on his bed with his sheet soaked with his blood and that he was lareaddy start to stink
matt blew is fucking brains out with a gun he stole from his uncle he missed the first time and blew his fucking face off and had to go a 2nd round to finish the job. ya he felt pain more than u will ever feel in your life and now hes dead
FUCKING DEAD!!! bc he only friends he had were stupid hos like u who never gave a shit about what he felt and how he was hurting the funeral was closed caskit bc his face was soi fucked up the guy couldnt fix it. all the important people were there and u were and i say thats good riddence bc i never liked even hearing ur name "orchid" or "robin" u make me sick and i hope u resort to the same fate matt did with your face in a 1220039 pieces and your wall splattered with your brians and u mike also like to know that shawn renshaws friend robert offed himself the same way on the 29th of nov not like u really cared u didnt even talke to him or anything even tho you saw him everday u probabley though he was 2 ugly for u or something and didnt want to sleep him i hop[e u rot in hell and quit playin games with people who r really in pain whe u arent and u just want pity go to hell"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whoever sent this OBVIOUSLY doesn't really know me or anything about me. And to whoever sent this... You have no life whatsoever. You have nothing better to do than pass your guilt onto someone who's an easy target. You chose me. I don't know what you were trying to accomplish with this teenage angst fest, but you've accomplished nothing. And to the readers... I'll also add that this was anonymous.		  
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Useless facts!   
04:36pm 05/12/2005
 
mood: blah
The "Thing of the week" for today is Useless fact of the week. In this case it's a few. I give you the stages of decomposition.

There are two methods for estimating the time of death:

The rate method. Measuring the change produced by a process which takes place at a known rate which was either initiated or stopped by the event under investigation, i.e. death. Examples include the amount and distribution of rigor mortis, the change in body temperature, and the degree of putrefaction of the body.
The concurrence method. Comparing the occurrence of events which took place at known times with the time of occurrence of the event under investigation, i.e. death. For example, a wrist watch stopped by a blow during an assault, the extent of digestion of the last known meal.

1. ALGOR MORTIS (BODY COOLING)

The assessment is made on the basis of measurement of the body core temperature which, post mortem, requires a direct measurement of the intra-abdominal temperature. In practice either the temperature is measured per rectum or the intra-hepatic/sub-hepatic temperature is measured via an abdominal stab. Oral and axillary temperatures should not be used. An ordinary clinical thermometer is useless because its range is too small and the thermometer is too short. A chemical thermometer 10-12" long with a range from 0-50o Celsius is ideal. Alternatively a thermo-couple probe may be used and this has the advantage of a digital readout or a printed record.

2. RIGOR MORTIS

Ordinarily, death is followed immediately by total muscular relaxation - primary muscular flaccidity - succeeded in turn by generalised muscular stiffening - rigor mortis. After a variable period of time rigor mortis passes off spontaneously to be followed by secondary muscular flaccidity. The first investigation of rigor mortis is attributed to Nysten in 1811.

3. LIVOR MORTIS (HYPOSTASIS, POST MORTEM LIVIDITY, POSTMORTEM SUGGILLATIONS)

Lividity is a dark purple discolouration of the skin resulting from the gravitational pooling of blood in the veins and capillary beds of the dependent parts of the body following cessation of the circulation. The process begins immediately after the circulation stops, and in a person dying slowly with circulatory failure, it may be pronounced very shortly after death. Lividity is present in all bodies, although it may be inconspicuous in some and thus escape notice.

4. POSTMORTEM DECOMPOSITION (PUTREFACTION)

Putrefaction is the post mortem destruction of the soft tissues of the body by the action of bacteria and enzymes (both bacterial and endogenous). Tissue breakdown resulting from the action of endogenous enzymes alone is known as autolysis. Putrefaction results in the gradual dissolution of the tissues into gases, liquids and salts. The main changes which can be recognised in the tissues undergoing putrefaction are changes in colour, the evolution of gases, and liquefaction.

5. ADIPOCERE

Saponification or adipocere formation is a modification of putrefaction characterised by the transformation of fatty tissues into a yellowish-white, greasy, (but friable when dry), wax-like substance, with a sweetish rancid odour. Mant states that when its formation is complete it has a sweetish smell, but during the early stages of its production a penetrating ammoniacal odour is emitted and the smell is very persistent. (Ref. 9 at p. 25). It floats on water, and dissolves in hot alcohol and ether. When heated it melts and then burns with a yellow flame. Ordinarily it will remain unchanged for years.

6. MUMMIFICATION

Mummification is a modification of putrefaction characterised by the dehydration or dessication of the tissues. The body shrivels and is converted into a leathery or parchment-like mass of skin and tendons surrounding the bone. The internal organs are often decomposed but may be preserved. Skin shrinkage may produce large artefactual splits mimmicking injuries. These are particularly seen in the groins, around the neck, and the armpits.

7. MACERATION

Maceration is the aseptic autolysis of a foetus which has died in utero and remained enclosed within the amniotic sac. Bacterial putrefaction plays no role in the process. The changes of maceration are only seen when a still-born foetus has been dead for several days before delivery. Normally the changes take about one week to develop.

8. VITREOUS HUMOUR POTASSIUM

The relationship between the rise of potassium concentration in the vitreous humour and the time since death has been studied by several workers and recently reviewed by Madea et al. An obstacle to using potassium concentration in vitreous humour as an aid in estimating the time since death are the different 95% confidence limits given by different authors. Up to 100 hours post mortem, the 95% confidence limits of different authors vary between ± 9.5 hours up to ± 40 hours; in the early post mortem interval up to 24 hours, the 95% confidence limits of different authors varies from ± 6 hours up to ± 12 hours. There are also sampling problems in that the potassium concentration may differ significantly between the left and right eye at the same moment in time. Simultaneous sampling of both eyes has shown that the potassium concentration in one eye can deviate by up to 10% from the mean value of both eyes. In order to improve the accuracy of the method cases with possible ante-mortem electrolyte disturbances can be excluded by eliminating all cases with a vitreous urea above an arbitrary level of 100 mg/dl. (High urea values in vitreous humour always reflect ante-mortem retention and are not due to post mortem changes). Having eliminated these cases with possible ante-mortem electrolyte imbalance, there is a linear relationship between potassium concentration and time after death up to 120 hours, but the 95% confidence limits are ± 22 hours
~

I had a much longer version of this, but to make it reader friendly, I cut out a lot.
Inspiration? Simply scattered thoughts. Something that I was looking and and thought I would post. Not useless to everyone, but to most of us. =P Hope you enjoyed!		  
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"Just like an angel."   
10:51am 04/12/2005
 
mood: uncomfortable
Another "Thing of the Week". Today is Quote of the Week! And today's quote is...
"I kill first borns while their mothers watch! I turn whole cities into salt! I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls! And from now until eternity, the only thing you'll be able to count on in your pathetic little existence is never knowing why!"
Inspiration? Well, I simply liked it. For those who are curious, it's a quote from The Prophecy by the character Gabriel (Played by Christopher Walken).		  
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"Everytime a bell rings an angel gets it's wings!"   
10:16am 03/12/2005
 
mood: uncomfortable
Ah well, Time for today's thing of the week! Today's "Thing" is Movie of the Week! Woo hoo! And this week's movie is... *drumroll*
It's a wonderful Life!
Inspiration? Well, it was the last movie I saw. In my opinion, though cheesy as it is, it's uplifting and has a great story. Not to mention the starring actor is awesome! (And he and his little brother in the movie are handsome to boot!) Yeah yeah make fun all you want. I like it! You don't have to!
In other news, my roommate's been very nice lately. =) He bought me lunch Thurs and even bought me juice last night. For no reason. Just because he thought to get it. =) How nice!		  
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My new sex toy!   
06:13pm 02/12/2005
 
mood: thoughtful
Haha Sick bastards! I knew that would get you to read! Well, this is day 2 of "Things of the week" which I will try to keep up. Today is Question of the Week! The question is...
Do you own a crystal ball?
My answer? YES!
Inspiration for this question? A lady my sister worked with asked her not too long ago. My sister answered "Yes" and the lady commented on how strange it was to ask such a random question and get "yes" as an answer. So go on! Answer!
ALSO! There's this quiz thingy that was sent to me. I decided to fill it out for the hell of it and you're more than welcome to comment on that if you fancy it.

( THE MOTHER OF ALL SURVEYS!!! )		  
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Sleeping Beauty2   
08:47am 01/12/2005
 
mood: drained
Yeah yeah. I never update. Yuk yuk yu-uk. Well, it's Thursday... And I've decided to make Thursday the Website of the Week day. *dances* On all of my journals and blogs, I will post a different "thing of the week" everyday. If there's anything else going on, I will tack that on or create a different post. Either way, I don't know or care. :D You get the point. Today's website is...
http://www.sleepingbeauty2.com/
Hmm I have a feeling that link won't work... But if it doesn't, just copy and paste it into your browser! And if you're too lazy to do that... Then that's sad. BUT... Be warned. This site contains morbid and post mortem photography. Although it's done tastefully I understand that not everyone wants to look at something like that. Fair enough. Now you know. It is a lovely site and I think it shows some of the beauty behind the traditions we follow in a time of death and mourning. Feel free to post comments on the site or suggest what I can post for the other days of the week.		  
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Beauty Rotting Aids Katrina Victims!!!   
11:52am 03/09/2005
 
mood: hopeful
I need work... Badly. If anyone wants photos, graphics, band art or anything of that sort, I'm open for business. Beauty Rotting is looking for work. And the sooner the better! I have photos already available if you want to purchase rights to use in any projects you may have OR I'm available for on-site photo sessions. If you are interested, please let me know and I will try to work something out with you. I'm still somewhat limited to what I can do, but I'm willing to talk it over and see if I can get something going. I will give you a list of everything you're being charged for and what you're being charged for it. I'm pretty reasonable and I offer a much lower rate than a lot of local photographers. Just give me a try and we'll see what happens. 25% of the proceeds will go to hurricane victims. I encourage you, as well, to help out in anyway you can. I gave this a lot of thought and felt that though I am hurting for money myself, I still have a home, furniture, clothing (and though it's scarce) food. It breaks my heart to see so many people loose everything they have (including family and friends). Sickness is plaguing many victims due to infections that are not being treated properly and exposure to dirty water and harsh weather conditions. There are innocent children still waiting for medical attention and food. Please, open your hearts and minds and help in anyway you can. If you see something about clothing drop-offs or food, donate something. Buying a few canned foods won't break you. Giving clothing that's in good shape that you'll most likely never wear again won't hurt. If you click on the link provided by Myspace on your home page, you can offer a donation with a minimum of $5. These are people who have lost everything but there lives, and some still have a risk of that. These are children who are sick or have infected injuries. If you don't have money you can spare, surely you have clothing, shoes, flashlights or other useful items. The following are links with more information on the Katrina devastation and how to help the victims. Please check these out and if you see a way you can help, please do so.

American Red Cross, Site- http://www.redcross.org/
Phone- 713-526-8300

Gulf Coast Regional Blood Center,
Site- http://www.giveblood.org/
Phone- 713-790-1200

Texas Nurses Association http://www.texasnurses.org/

Salvation Army
http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/www_usn.nsf/vw-dynamic-index/760FECD9984C75CC85256E2B004EC6F3?openDocument

Thank you very much!

~Orchid		  
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Beauty Rotting   
05:01am 05/07/2005
 
mood: blah
Since I've been trying to update my online profiles, journals and such, I thought I'd go ahead and post a link to the Beauty Rotting graphics journal.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/beauty_rotting/

Have a look around and if you have any requests, feel free to ask. We love doing this junk. Hopefully the site will be up before too long. Until then you have the journal to glance at. Hopefully you'll find some of the graphics useful.		  
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Rest in Peace, Alex...   
06:25pm 04/07/2005
  Today is a difficult day to get through. The 4th of July is not an Independence Day for me. It's not a day to celebrate, but a day of mourning and memory. A year ago today I lost a dear friend. Although I know he would not want me to be in pain and remember this day as the day he died, I can't help but to miss him. He was a wonderful young man and had so much within him that he could not see. So much that I miss terribly. Although I'm very saddened by his departure, I'm very fortunate to have known such a beautiful person. I wish his last moments would have been peaceful and I didn't have so many memories connected to the last time I spoke with him, but I am glad he chose me to be there until the end. Alex, I miss you so much. I hope you're at peace now and that all of your pain is over. I love you very much.


Rest in Peace
Alexander Mark Richards
February 13, 1986 - July 4, 2004

Image hosted by Photobucket.com



"They promised a certain death. Needless to say, what I got left much to be desired. Then again…

At the time, my life had reached a crescendo of pain and hurt. I had nothing to lose. I faced that certainty of death, and slowly cracked a smile. “Bring it on”, I threatened no one in particular. I consciously felt my heart beating powerfully in my chest as I was reminded what was on this morning’s schedule.

 I couldn’t understand some of the emotions and thoughts that I was going through. But I came out of it realizing that I was more in control than I had previously ever thought. I realized that there was so much more to our existences than spending our lives decaying from the inside out, filled with hatred, sorrow, and self-deprecation. I knew now there was something better to be found, some kind of higher plane of being.

It opened my eyes, opened my mind, and set me free. It saved my life..."

~ Alexander Mark Richards

*This was written by Alex before he died and I found it today. *exactly a year after the event* Come to find out it was an attachment of a document he sent me long ago that I never saw or knew to load up. I found it strange and prophetic in a way and even stranger that this was the day I found it.*		  
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Yay.   
06:15am 01/03/2005
 
mood: crushed
The Valsgarde show was awesome. Even after losing their vocalist and having to make things work in the meantime, they were still good. Nothing to really knock about the sound of the show. If you went, you rock! Thank you very much for showing up and I hope you enjoyed it as much as me and will see them in the future. If you haven't seen them, and you're further south of here, you may try going to their next show -

April 2, Santa Fe Junction- San Angelo Tx

I encourage you to go if black metal is your thing. And yes, they are still looking for a vocalist, so I also encourage you to let them know if you are interested. As soon as more dates pop up I'll be sure to post them.

Aside from that, Orchid isn't feeling too good. Friday night was a very very bad night and it ruined the wonderful mood I had been in that week. Since then things have been going downhill. I'm learning to let go of a very important thing in my life, but I've been left with no other logical choice. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I'm hoping it's for the best. If things somehow turn out different in the end, then all of the pain and heartache was well worth it, but if I move along and nothing ever becomes of it, then at least the door isn't opened for me to be hurt anymore. All I can do is wait and see. I'm crossing my fingers that this all turns out okay.		  
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See Valsgarde! I COMMAND IT!!!   
03:58pm 25/02/2005
 
mood: cheerful
Ok, if you missed the first of the 3 Valsgarde show dates, you have a couple more chances. =P I encourage you to go if you can. They are a great band. The two dates that remain are -

Feb 27th, Club Indigo- Dallas Tx

April 2, Santa Fe Junction- San Angelo Tx

If you are in the area and can make it, please do! They are also currently looking for a vocalist, so if there are any vocalists that can pull off black metal, then you should get in touch with them and let them know you're interested. Nothing with a gimmick, please. That's not something they would want.

Yesterday was a hoot. I went to an apothecary and a naughty store with my friend Emily. XD That was interesting. We went to the mall after that and I tried on several things. NOT ONE OF THEM FIT!!! But oh well. I bought a couple of things for sis. She seemed to like them. =) Which I'm glad for. I got her this little candle holder which I think she like best of all of the things I got. =) I saw it and KNEW it was so her. She's the best <3. I had been thinking about my friends. My REALLY close ones. Like my best friends. I'm very lucky. Some of the coolest girls are my best friends. Hollie, Khara, Kaysea, Tammy, Emily and my sis, Nixie. They are all such great girls and have been very supportive of all the crazy events in my life. I'm lucky to have them around and I love them all very much. Thanks you guys!!! I know I know. I didn't mention any of my guyfriends. There are some who have been great to me. Some that hurt me beyond words, but those who have been there for me through thick and thin and also deserve their props. Jeromy, Michael, Chris, Jon and Shaun are all great guys and stick pretty close to me. Thank you all for being very supportive and helping me whenever I needed it. I love you guys! I guess that's all I can say for now. I'll probably come back later even mushier than before. haha Love you guys.		  
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If you haven't seen Valsgarde, do it now!!!   
12:19pm 07/02/2005
 
mood: hungry
Valsgarde has 3 upcoming shows that you should check out if you can. The following are the upcoming shows.

Feb 19th -The Road House - Odessa Tx

Feb 27th Club Indigo- Dallas Tx

April 2 Santa Fe Junction- San Angelo Tx

I will most likely be at the Club Indigo show. If you get a chance to go to ANY of these shows, please do! Valsgarde is awesome. Get your parents to come! Get your friends to come! Get anyone you can. And say hello to Shaun, the drummer and Corey and Derek the guitarists. All are really great guys and are working extremely hard.		  
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Well well well...   
11:13am 22/01/2005
 
mood: depressed
Didn't take me long to get back. I'm not quite as angry now. More or less just generally upset. Watch me be a doormat and forgive him like the idiot I am. But at least it will buy time. A friend of mine thinks I forgive too easily. Perhaps I do. I miss him. Things were a little strange a few days ago, but we cleared it up and I was so happy about it. And I can't even enjoy that now. I was afraid that I had lost him at first. Then I was afraid I never had anything with him to begin with. That was all something I kind of jumped to the conclusion with. And now I'm so glad to know different. I still don't know what kind of a future is between us. If there is one at all. I do know that whatever happens, we have to take it slow. Hell, I don't even want things to escalate too quickly. But I just wish I knew what to expect. The more I try to get him to talk about it, the less he says. So, I've backed off thinking he just needs time to think. Which eventually he said he did. Maybe I'm on the right track. Yet, I'm still curious as to what goes on in his mind and if there's anything I can do to make the situation any easier. I think part of me just generally misses him. He can't be here all of the time, and I know this. I don't expect him to drop anything for me. But it doesn't mean that the thought of it doesn't cross my mind. When I'm with him I feel safe and like I have something I've never had before. And it feels good to have that. He's beyond anything I would have ever expected for myself which is why we will probably never actually and up together. Something about it almost fits a little too well. Only time will tell. It just really sucks because I sit here and have my sister. The most important thing to me. The only thing that really keeps me from going completely nuts. And it's like... If she had Dameon here and I had "Lewis" then it would seem almost complete. Aside from the general friends of corpse. I just wish it were possible. I think that's enough for now.		  
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A lot on my mind.   
10:07am 22/01/2005
 
mood: infuriated
Where do I begin? So much goes on that I don't mention to a lot of people. Or at least don't dwell on. I hate throwing a pity party for myself, but when things go to hell, then they just do. I love my roommate. He used to be such a kind and gentle person. He let us live with him and we've tried our best to return the favor through paying our share and handling the housework. But, lately things have gone downhill. Well, in all honesty they have been for a long time. After a month or two of being here, things were ok. We were close and still loved eachother. We could hold hands and talk. But, then he began to get angry at the drop of a hat. Fly off the handle when things didn't go his way. And who gets the blame? Sister and I. The tiniest things would set him off and suddenly we would hear phone conversations where he's telling someone that we never do housework *when we do it all* and that we pay for nothing and that it's all him. That I don't look for a job and I don't even try. This is all complete bullshit. We've bent over backwards trying to please him. And he's failed to remember how serious the health issues are regarding me. I've done what I can and I keep getting fucked over. He doesn't take the time to ask what happens or what I've done. He just assumes what he wants and uses it agianst me. Which I can handle. Say what you want to me, I don't care. But he talks shit about my sister and yells at her and that's it for me. You do not fuck with her. Last night was the last I can handle and I'm staying for the weekend until I figure out what to do. She's going to try to stay here as long as originally planned. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I do know he just lost his best friend. The only person who would do half the things for him I did. I did a lot for him and he's proven it doesn't matter. And he tries to throw a fit and cry and say he's just crazy.. Which may be the case, but I can't handle packing my things every few days because he decides to throw a fit and have an episode. I still love him, but at this moment, I can't even look at him. I'm very hurt and I'm very angry. And for the record it's not what was SAID about ME that has me so upset. I can get over it. But, I'm all together tired of it and just wanting this all to be over. Part of the problem, I feel, is jealousy. He gets sooo upset that my sister and I are seeing people. Not just any people. But really good men. Men that are intellegent and caring. Men that are very handsome and funny. And he can't have them. Or keep anyone. And it makes him sick. And I don't think he can stand it. Maybe I'm wrong. But I do think part of the problem is that he feels he needs someone. But you couldn't tell him that or ask him about it. He says "Well, we just have to talk when things like this happen." But he won't let you talk. He rants, says "End of story" And then kicks you out if you say anything else. And god forbid you talk to someone else in the house. He ALWAYS thinks anything negative is about him. I was talking about my sister's boss after a quarrel with Ronnie and he storms out of his room and yells at me for talking about him. I told him right then that I wasn't even talking about him. With my sister standing there vouching for me. And he brought it up again yesterday. Saying he heard what I said about him that night. I reminded him that I wasn't even referring to him, but someone my sister works with and how her job screws her out of a lot. He *of corpse* says that he knew it was him and I was a liar so on and so forth. This is just a taste of the drama. And in only one facet of my life. This doesn't count the past that lives through memory alone. And the past that's still affecting the present. Other parts of the present. Things he's aware of and just doesn't care. I'm sorry, but I had to vent and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just trying to let out whatever anger I feel and clear my mind so I can make a somewhat decent decision. I'll probably return later to vent more.		  
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